Are you concerned that your child is “out of
control” when they are: acting aggressively, talking over others, grabbing,
have difficulty taking turns or simply doing things you have asked them not to?
Many parents get frustrated by their child’s lack of self or impulse control,
especially when their child knows the rules or the consequences of breaking
them.
Often times it is just that children just don’t have the skills to
manage strong impulses. Children begin to develop these skills between ages 2
and 5, but their impulses are not well managed because their “rational brain”
that allows for planning, foresight and considering others is not fully
developed. For most young children this age self-control is nonexistent,
limited at best, and is a skill that will take years to master. Children’s
ability to regulate for themselves will not become evident until they begin to
approach the ripe old age of seven.
A child’s
temperament, or innate way of reacting to the world, can also make him or her
more impulsive than others. Children who are easily distressed and become very
agitated may need different treatment than children who are a little more
“chill” in order to become capable of self-control. Research findings have
shown that kids with higher levels of impulse control develop better academic
skills over time, have bigger vocabularies and higher test scores in both math
and literacy. Unfortunately on the other side of the spectrum, children with
below average impulse control are more likely to suffer from anxiety &
depression, become obese, smoke and dependent on alcohol or drugs. But
self-control is not static, and like muscle strength can be developed over
time.
So what
can you do to help your child who is currently “out of control”?
1.
Acknowledge, empathize, or validate.
Simply acknowledge that
in many cases their lack of impulse control is developmentally appropriate
and empathize or
validate their feelings. When your child is upset- perhaps
they were having a fun time at the park and don’t want to leave when you need
them to – start by letting them know that you understand by simply saying
something like, “Its so hard to leave the park” or “Oh, it sounds like you
really want to stay at the park!” It is important to connect and let your child
know that you understand and accept their feelings first before you say or do
anything else.
2.
Use Emotion Coaching.
Use an “Emotion
Coaching” or problem solving approach with
your child when there is a big emotion or behaviour. Research has shown that
children with emotion coaching parents recover from stressful situations
faster, have fewer negative emotions, and develop the skills needed to manage
challenges on their own. In order to be an emotion coaching parent you must
empathize, help your child to get clear about what they actually wanted or
needed, acknowledge their feelings/needs while setting limits on behaviour and
guide them through a brainstorming and problem solving process.
3.
Give your child a break.
Give your child
a break!
All humans have limited amounts of self-control. And we use up the energy we
have for self-control throughout the day. If we continue to ask children to
repeatedly perform tasks or follow our requests they will become less and less
successful. If there is homework and housework that needs to get done be
mindful that small breaks for play or relaxing will help your child re-charge
to keep going. When breaks are part of the routine children will be more
successful in accomplishing what you need them to.
4.
Play games.
Play
games with
your children that practice self- control. Games such as Simon Says, Red Light
Green Light, or Follow the Leader require impulse control. Another option is to
play Freeze. With Freeze, children dance to music and when the music stops they
should hold their position until the music starts again. There is also research
from Stanford University that shows that playing memory games can improve
impulse control as well.
5.
Do as you want them to do.
Model and
practice self-control, self-calming and restraint! Your children
aren’t going to do what you say; they are going to do what you do. One area
that adults tend to have limited self-control is around the use of media or
devices. One way to model self- control or restraint is to create and enforce
limits on your own use of devices. There are apps that can do this for you or
you can simply remove email or Facebook from your mobile to limit the impulse
to check them unnecessarily. The goal is ultimately to check your devices
intentionally and not impulsively. (This becomes especially important as your
child grows older and has access to their own devices.)
Being mindful
of how you respond to anger, frustration and disappointment will also highly
influence how your child responds to these strong emotions. Self-calming is an
important skill that can easily be modeled by saying things like: “Oh man, I
just dropped the dinner salad on the floor! How frustrating! I’m going to take
a deep breath and then I will need to clean up this mess and start over.”
Modeling self talk, expressing frustration verbally, and self soothing skills
will all help your child to do the same when they have their own strong
emotions or reactions.
Increased self
control will develop as your child continues to mature. But there are many
things that we can do as parents and teachers to help them develop and nurture
these skills and traits. We encourage you to first acknowledge what is and is
not developmentally appropriate for your child and then pick one or two ideas
from the list above to try out and see how things unfold in your home.
