by Kirrilie Smout
I ran a seminar for
parents of anxious kids last week and at the end one parent asked me this
question:
"My daughter is
having problems with the girls in her class. I know we should talk
about it - but every time I bring it up, she shuts it down. She just
doesn't want to talk with me about it. What should I do?
Does this sound familiar?
Are you working on helping your own children talk about things they
don't really want to talk about?
If so, welcome to my
world! :) :)
As a child psychologist,
I know full well that helping children communicate about tricky topics is
very difficult at times. It's something I work on with kids
constantly. Here's a few things to know and a few things to try.
3 things to know about kids "not
talking"
1. It's quite normal for some children to not be interested in discussing
difficult topics.
Unlike some adults,
children often do not want to talk about difficult situations.
Sometimes this is because
a child is not as concerned about the situation as we as adults are.
Sometimes this is because a child doesn't know how to talk about it - or is
finding it difficult to find the words to express themselves.
Sometimes this is because a child feels anxious or uncomfortable talking
about the situation (ie, perhaps they don't want to upset someone, or
perhaps they are worried about getting in trouble).
Regardless of the reason,
it's very normal for kids to want to avoid sitting and talking - and to
prefer to play, watch videos or game than talk about a difficult situation.
2. Children don't always really need to talk about it
difficult situations.
It's important to know that
sometimes "it's okay" for children not to talk about difficult
situations. Adults often worry that children are not
"processing" something because they are not talking about it.
However unlike adults, kids don't always need to use words to cope
with difficult situations. Sometimes they can effectively work
through emotions and tell adults important stuff via playing. It's
not the case that children must talk to "sort things through".
Sometimes we can just let it go.
3. However at other times - children do need to talk with
us.
There are some times when
children do need
to spend some - at least short periods of - time talking to adults about
difficult situations.
For example, sometimes we
need to talk to kids in order to teach them something.
Sometimes we need to talk to kids to find out some details about something.
Sometimes we need to talk with children when they are clearly struggling to
manage a situation.
In these cases, talking helps them learn, helps us help them - and gives us
information we need. In other words - and I say this to kids - "part of the job of
living in a family is talking to adults/carers"
In this case, even though
we might need to make some short communication a "no choice"
activity, we want to do it in a way which is as easy and painless as
possible.
It's worth spending some
time working hard at making it easy for kids to talk. If kids
experience conversations with us as painful and annoying, they are less
likely to do it spontaneously next time.
Here are 5 tricks to
try to help children talk to us.
1. Make the conversation short and questions easy to answer
Kids' attention spans are
much shorter than ours. They get bored quickly! To make it
less painful, we can tell
children we will be as fast as we can, for example:
"I know you don't
really want to talk about this, but I need to have a quick chat with you
about it. Let's put the timer on and just do 6 minutes and then you
can go play."
In addition, we should
use short sentences, ask short (and easy to answer) questions and say less
than we think we need to.
2. Less eye contact
We don't need to force
children to be looking at us the entire time we talk. We might have
some short periods of time where we ask them to look at us (depending on
how they cope with this), and then other times where we give them something else to look at to
make the conversation more fun and relaxed for them.
For example, I've had
some great conversations with children who are using fiddle toys while
talking to me, patting
a dog in their lap while talking or while drawing or building blocks.
In fact, often the best conversations happen while I'm
also using a fiddle toy, patting the dog or drawing too.
3. Use visuals
A third way to help
children talk is to use visual
objects, diagrams, graphs or props to help them explain themselves. This
helps them to be able to communicate more clearly, helps them understand
what we are asking and makes it more fun.
For example, I often use
a scale from
one to ten (how
worried are you about this right now) or with different
faces on it (point
to which emotion face was most like yours today).
I might draw a line with people/names on it (let's draw your friends' faces
- now which person did you have the most fun with this week/who did you
feel most nervous with).
I will also often
use puppets,
figurines and dolls (let's
pretend you are this one, and she was this one - you say what she said and
I will say what you said) .
I'll also frequently use
drawings - not just as a way to give kids the
option of less eye contact, but also as a way they can explain themselves
to me (hey, here
are three boxes - draw what happened first in this box, and then what
happened next in this box)
4. Make communication game based
Another way to make
communication easier is to turn it into a simple game. This
doesnt have to be elaborate.
For example, I will often spend two seconds roughly drawing a ladder with 20 steps on scrap
paper and open an online dice webpage - and roll the dice
and take turns moving up the ladder, with the child answering questions
each dice roll until they get to the top.
I might find a container
and rip up paper with questions on it to put in the container and
take turns in taking them out.
I might use a ball
to throw back and forth between us in taking turns to
answer questions.
I might get the child to draw
a tick every time they give me a detail about a situation - and put them
all in a circle to see how many details we can get until the circle is
full.
5. Intersperse conversations with more "fun"
activities
In the clinic I will
almost always use a timer to use to help children stay motivated on
"working" with me.
We will set 10 minutes of "working" and then 3 minutes of
youtube/gaming/reading/playing indoor soccer (depending of course on the
age of the child and their interests).
What's most important?
Using these strategies can help children be a little less reluctant to talk
and help them to practice important communication skills. Of course,
the most important way to help children communicate with us is to make sure
we act in loving, trust-worthy and caring ways - and be patient - with them
and with ourselves. Best wishes in your communication with your children.
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