In our changing world, teaching children civility is more
important than ever. Civility goes beyond being polite and courteous; it
involves listening to others with an open mind, disagreeing respectfully, and
seeking common ground to start a conversation about differences. By teaching
skills like empathy, problem-solving,and perspective taking, we can
help nurture civility in our children.
Perspective taking.
Perspective taking is a critical skill for working in groups and
resolving interpersonal conflicts. When children don’t stop to think about
other people’s perspectives, it’s easy for them to make inaccurate assumptions
about others’ intentions. And acting on these assumptions can lead to
unnecessary conflict.
Here are a few ways you can teach perspective-taking skills to
your child:
1. Read
books together. Books are a wonderful resource for
teaching perspective-taking skills, because you can take your time and ask
lots of questions to help your child identify how a character might be feeling,
spot the clues that reveal the character’s emotions, and discuss why the
character might be feeling that way.
2. Point
out someone else’s emotions. Considering how someone else
may be feeling in a public or social setting helps children learn to interpret
and decode other people’s emotions. Though witnessing another person’s strong
emotions can sometimes be uncomfortable, it can also be a wonderful teaching
opportunity.
3. Share
your own emotions. Talk with your child about how you’re
feeling throughout the day. You can share why you feel certain emotions, and
what you can do to problem solve or resolve a situation that’s causing a
difficult emotion. This experience not only helps children build their
perspective-taking skills, but normalizes both positive and negative
emotions and helps develop empathy.
Empathy.
Empathy—the ability to feel or understand what someone else is
feeling—is the foundation for positive interpersonal relationships and healthy
communication. Having empathy in tough situations helps children treat others
with kindness and respect, and may also help them intervene when another child
is being bullied.
Modeling and showing empathy when you interact with your child
is the most effective way to teach this important skill. So when your child is
having a rough day or misbehaving, make your first response an empathetic one.
This might sound like:
• “It’s so hard when …”
• “Oh, no …”
• “Uh-oh …”
• “Oh, man …”
• “You look/sound … ”
Responding with empathy communicates to your child that you hear
and understand him or her. When children feel heard, they’re more willing to
listen, and more open to understanding and identifying with another person’s
perspective.
Problem solving.
Both bullies and their victims tend to lack problem-solving
skills. Children who tend to avoid being drawn into bullying dynamics, on the
other hand, are better able to recognize problems, brainstorm solutions, and
make connections between their actions and consequences. The following
three-step process is one you can use to help guide your child toward solving
problems when they arise.
1. Listen
and validate. Listen empathetically and respond to your
child’s thoughts and experiences with validation. Encourage your child to tell
his or her story. (For example, “Hey buddy, tell me what happened.”) Then
reflect back what the child said or paraphrase with something like “It sounds
like you’re ________.”
2. Help
your child label emotions. It’s important that you allow
your child to label his or her own feelings, instead of dictating how to feel.
Listen in a way that shows you’re paying attention and taking your child
seriously, and don’t dismiss any emotions as silly or unimportant.
3. Set
limits while problem-solving. Set alimit on the
behavior or choice your child expresses while acknowledging his or her
emotions. For example, say, “It’s okay to feel/want ________, but it’s not okay
to do ________.” Once the limit has been set, ask your child what he or she
wanted or needed, then brainstorm together a few different ways to resolve the
situation that are both safe and respectful. Help your child evaluate
those ideas based on your family’s values and then let him or her choose what
to do to fix the problem, try again, or try the next time the problem occurs.
Acting with civility requires children to be respectful,
reflective, and self-aware. Learning the skills of perspective taking, empathy,
and problemsolving helps children understand that their actions and words
affect individuals as well as their entire community, encouraging them to rise
up and act with civility in tough situations.
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
