Do
you wish your preschooler or toddler would JUST STOP WHINING? That your child would
go to bed maybe the second time she’s asked rather than the 100th? That your
children would stop fighting, yelling, tormenting each other, making outlandish
demands, or otherwise acting outrageously? If only!
Parents tend to complain about our kids’ “out of control”
behavior — that our kids don’t listen, don’t behave, or don’t respect us or
their siblings. But expecting young children to master impulse control is like
expecting them to multiply fractions: not realistic. Until about age 7,
they just don’t have that rational brain that allows for planning, foresight,
and considering others. You can’t change that fact. But what you can
change is how you react to your children’s outbursts — and in doing so prompt
calmer behavior from them. When you respond with empathy rather than
exasperation or outrage your children are far less likely to resist or
retaliate.
Our
children are going to replicate our behavior and emotional state because that’s
how our brains are wired. The idea isn’t to change your children but to change
how you show up and communicate with them.
Why
their fury sparks our fury
You
know how yawning is contagious? Or how watching someone sip an icy cold
lemonade suddenly makes you thirsty? That’s because of nerve cells in our
brain called “mirror neurons”. We humans are social animals and connect
through shared emotions and experiences. So when our children are having
a big tantrum, that cues our bodies to react the same way. But mirror neurons
can work in your family’s favor, too. When you stay calm, your child’s body
will start replicating your emotional state.
Some
children are innately more impulsive than others their age and more prone to
outbursts. But no matter what your child’s temperament, or your own, you can
help them develop self-control by learning to stay calm yourself.
How to
respond to tantrums and meltdowns
1.
Take a deep breath.
Before
you say a word, let alone shout, “Do you SERIOUSLY think it’s OK to whack your
brother on the head with a Pokemon binder?” inhale deeply and then slowly
exhale. Those few seconds can mean the difference between flipping your lid and
keeping it (somewhat tightly) sealed.
If
you’re feeling too enraged to even take a deep breath, that’s your cue to exit
the room until you’re able to chill out.
2.
Start with empathetic statements.
Empathy
is the key to unlocking your inner calm. It’s important to let your child
know you understand and accept their feelings before you say or do anything
else.
So
instead of, “How many times do I have to tell you it’s bedtime? Get in bed
NOW!” try, “Yeah, I know, it’s so hard to go to bed when you’re having fun
playing!”
A
child isn’t likely to dive under the covers just because you’ve shown concern
for her feelings. But, empathy opens the door to a child hearing what’s going
to come next rather than becoming defensive. When children don’t feel heard,
it’s like: Oh, you didn’t hear me? Then I’m just going to say it louder!
Empathy
is also a much more effective response to defiance than over-explaining. Our
tendency as parents is to go on and on, to repeat ourselves and try to
rationalize with our child. This is irritating to children and causes
them to tune us out.
3.
Resist the urge to punish.
When
your children blatantly defy you or behave unacceptably (see: whacking with
Pokemon lunchbox), you may feel like you want to “teach them a lesson” or “show
them who’s boss.” You may think doing anything less would send the message: I’m
a pushover! Go ahead, walk all over me!
In
truth, inflicting shame, blame, or pain on a child will accomplish nothing
good. There’s no learning opportunity when you respond with punishment. It just
makes children fear their parents. Either they think I hate you or I am going
to find another way to get away with this.
This
doesn’t mean your child has license to hit, steal from her siblings, or party
in her room until midnight. Consequences are fine — your child doesn’t need to
like what’s coming — as long as they’re reasonable and delivered respectfully.
In
the long run, “We’re going to put these race cars away for the night, and you
guys can play with them tomorrow,” will do more for your children than, “Go to
your room NOW — both of you! And forget playing with these cars for a week!”
Kids
do better when they feel better.
4.
Let your child chill.
These
days, our children’s lives are so filled with gadgets, activities, and demands
that kids often use up their limited reserves of self-control. If we’re
constantly asking children to perform tasks or follow our requests they’ll
become less and less successful.
Scheduled
downtime and small play breaks in chores or homework will help your children
recharge, behave better, and accomplish what you need them to.
5.
Model self-control and restraint.
If
every time your phone beeps you pick it up, you’re not modeling impulse control
for your children. Likewise, if you shout, “Jerk! Nobody knows how to
drive around here!” when a car cuts you off, you’re not demonstrating how to
remain calm. We can’t expect children to be able to control their
emotions when we don’t.
How
you respond to frustration and disappointment will strongly influence how your
child responds to these strong emotions. Try, “Oh man, I just dropped the
dinner salad on the floor! How frustrating! I’m going to take a deep breath and
then I will need to clean up this mess and start over.”
As
your children mature, they’ll naturally develop more self-control, but you can
make a big difference along the way. Just keep your expectations for impulse
control age-appropriate. Toddlers and preschoolers’ brains are still very much
under construction.
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
