PARENTING
KIDS WHO STRUGGLE
BY MICHAEL GROSE
One of the unwritten laws of family-life is
that talent and ability is unevenly distributed between siblings.
In most families there is one child who
seems to have more than his or her fair share of ability. Everything some kids
turn their hands to – whether schoolwork, sport and socialising – is done
successfully and effortlessly.
If you have such a child then there is a
fair bet that you will also have a child who struggles in the same areas. For
these children, achieving success takes more effort and concentration than it
does for their sibling.
Just as it is easy for parents to marvel at
the talented child, it’s frustrating and, at times, heart-breaking to watch
your child struggle to attain even mediocre levels of success at school, in
their sport or leisure activities.
It’s harder still when you know that no
matter how hard your child tries they just can’t be as successful as their
sibling who gets all the glory and accolades from relatives and friends.
As a parent it’s important to be realistic
about what each child can achieve so keep your expectations in line with their
ability and maturity, and avoid making comparisons between siblings.
Here are some ideas to keep in mind if you
are parenting a child where success – at school, sport and other common
childhood activities – just doesn’t come naturally.
- Develop a growth mindset. Recent
research shows that people who believe they can increase their
intelligence through effort and challenges, get smarter and do better in
school, work and life over time. It’s exciting to know that your child’s
talent and smarts aren’t fixed. Their brain can always learn more,
continue to grow and be stretched. Communicate a growth mindset to your
kids by focusing your praise more on their effort rather than natural
abilities of talents; praising the strategies they use and looking for
opportunities to stretch their capabilities.
- Be your child’s cheerleader. Kids
who have to work really hard to achieve, need someone in their lives who
is able boost their self-confidence, particularly when they are
struggling. Make a fuss over small successes so they can puff up their
chests every now and then.
- Focus your comments on
contribution, improvement and effort. It’s
difficult praising kids when the results aren’t there but you can always
focus your comments on their contribution to the team rather than kicking
the winning goal, improvements shown in reading or the effort they are
making at art.
- Remember that persistence pays. Children
who persist learn an important life lesson – that is, success in most
endeavours takes effort. Those kids who sail through their childhoods
without raising a sweat can struggle when eventually they do have to work
long and hard to succeed.
- Help kids identify their
strengths. Kids are like niche
marketers – they define themselves by their strengths. “I am a good
reader,” “I’m sporty.” “I’m really good at art” are some of the labels
kids will use. As they move into adolescence the number of options for
success open up, so help them find one or two areas that they enjoy and
can easily achieve success in. Help them see beyond the limits they can
put on themselves (“I’m hopeless at sport”) to see the many other talents
and strengths they do have.
- Don’t put kids on pedestals. It
is difficult living in the shadow of a superstar so avoid making a huge
fuss over the achievements of a particular child – it makes life difficult
for those who follow. Recognise results but balance that by focusing
equally on their efforts as well.
Raising kids who find life a breeze
is easy. However parenting kids who take longer to mature, or kids that must
put in 110% effort to achieve is challenging for any parent.
Raising the family underdog requires parents to develop a growth
mindset, focus on kids’ strengths, be liberal with encouragement and have
realistic but positive expectations for success.
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
