Your
strongest source of influence with your children is your emotional connection
with them – strong limits, but with compromise, warmth and mutual respect. The
goal here is for children to develop the capacity to make healthy
decisions on their own. The demands and boundaries need to be clear, but they
need to be guarded with warmth, nurturing and an openness to the child’s wants,
needs and feelings. Here are some ways to build your emotional connection and
use it as your power base to influence behaviour.
1.
Discipline, not punishment.
Discipline is
about teaching, not about punishment. When kids mess up, let
the consequences be driven by the lessons you want them to learn. For
example, your teen told you she was going to a study group, but she actually
went to a party. The breach isn’t the party, it’s the dishonesty, so let the
consequences be driven by that. The consequences then, might look like a
grounding, rather than a loss of privileges.
‘I
want to give you freedom, but it’s important that I can trust you to use that
freedom in a safe way. I’ll give you freedom when you give me honesty. We
need time to build the trust again. How do you think we can do that?’ If the
ideas she comes up with don’t hit the mark, suggest that no going out for a
couple of weeks – not to prove a point, but to have time together to build the
trust between you both again.
2.
Sometimes this might mean no consequences.
If
they’ve done the wrong thing but they come to you to talk about it, that in
itself might be enough. If they show regret, insight and learning, is
there any more that can be gained from further consequences? They’ve trusted
you with the information, and that isn’t easy. It takes guts to own up when you’ve
done something wrong. You can be disappointed and proud at the same time – let
them know that.
3.
Acknowledge and validate.
Kids
will all feel big feelings, and sometimes these feelings will drive behaviour
that isn’t so adorable. This is a great thing – it means they’re human.
Acknowledge the feeling by naming what you see without trying to understand or
change it. ‘You seem angry with me. I get that. It’s annoying when you want to
keep playing but you have to pack up isn’t it.’ Research has shown that
labelling an emotion can soothe the nervous system. It also gives space for
them to slow down and explore the need that’s driving the emotion. Anger for
example, is usually a sign that something is blocking a goal. What’s is it that
they want? What’s getting in their way? What’s another way they can get what
they need? If they are sad, something is missing. Help them to slow down and
explore what it is. If they’re scared, what do they need to feel safe? Is the
fear real? Or is it something they’re imagining? Children learn the most
about emotions when they are emotional, but sometimes they need the space and
support to help them find the lesson.
4.
Words of understanding before advice, requests or
consequences.
Understanding
doesn’t mean agreeing. It means you’re open to what they have to say and to
looking at things through their eyes. When they know that you ‘get it’, they
will be more open to your advice and your requests, and they’ll be more ready
to take on any lessons they need to learn. ‘I understand how important it is to
you to spend time with your friends. I know you weren’t wanting to do the wrong
thing, but you have to let me know where you are. It’s not okay to stay out
later than I’ve asked, and then not pick up the phone when I call. If you want the
freedom to spend time with your friends, I can give you that, but there are
also things you need to do so that I know you’re safe.’
5.
Let the limits be on behaviour, not needs, wants,
wishes or feelings.
Let
all feelings be okay, because they are. What’s not okay is the
behaviour those feelings drive. Kids won’t stop getting angry because we
tell them not to, or because we punish them for it. Ditto for jealousy,
frustration, impatience or any other feeling that needles all of us from time
to time. It’s still up to us as parents to decide what behaviour is okay
and what isn’t. When they learn they can trust you with what they’re
feeling, they will have the space to safely explore why they feel the way the
do. They can experiment with better ways of being, with you as the lamplight
gently guiding their way.
6.
Have strong limits, but let there be room for disagreement
and objection.
It’s
important that kids know their own mind and how to use it. This will become
increasingly important as they get older. If we’ve never given them the
opportunity to disagree or to say no to us, how do they find the words and the
trust in their judgement when they are confronted with peer pressure, or
risky choices. The things they do with us are practice for the real world. Let
them know that as long as they are respectful, they can disagree with you and
say no to you, but you are still the parent and the final decision is yours.
The more open you are to what they have to say, even if it pushes against you,
the more heard they will feel and the more they will be able to trust your
judgement and guidance.
7.
And offer choices.
Kids
and teens are stuck between wanting to be more grown-up, more independent, more
capable, but also wanting to be looked after and protected by you. Let them see
they can have both. Being close to you and having limits doesn’t mean they have
to surrender their power. Empower them by giving them choices within the limits
you’ve set. ‘I understand you want to stay up later, but you need a decent
sleep on school nights. How about you can go to bed when you want on Fridays,
Saturdays and holidays, but you try to be in bed by 9:30 on a school night.’
For younger ones it might look like, ‘I know you don’t want to wear shoes. I
get that – shoes can be annoying sometimes – but it’s important that you have
something on your feet when we go to dinner. You choose which ones. Any ones
you like.’
8.
If they’re old enough, involve them in a discussion about
the rules and consequences.
There
will be some rules that aren’t up for discussion, but there may be other
things that can be reached through compromise and a calm, respectful swapping
of ideas. The more you can do this on the smaller things (cleaning their room,
what they spend their money on, the clothes they wear etc) the more influence
you’ll have on the bigger things. The more you teach them that you’re open to
what they think and what they need, the more they’ll return the favour when it
matters most.
9.
Don’t take their mistakes personally.
We
all have the right to make our own mistakes. It’s how we learn and grow. It can
be difficult not to take mistakes kids make personally sometimes, (‘What have I
missed?’ ‘What have I done wrong?’ – sound familiar?) but we can’t do their
growing and learning for them. Getting too involved in their mistakes can steer
our response and make us either more angry and frustrated, or more tempted to
‘fix’ it for them – which makes it less likely that they’ll open up next
time.
10.
Listen and be available for the little things as much as
the big things.
They
need to know that if it’s important to them, it’s important to us. If we want
them to come to us with the big things when they are older, we need to be
available, attentive and responsive to the little things when they are younger.
For them, it’s always been big.
And
finally …
Children
naturally want to do the right thing. Sometimes their idea of the right thing
and our idea of the right thing will be worlds apart. This is how it’s meant to
be. We expand their world, they expand ours, which is why it’s so important to
set limits in a way that will widen the likelihood of them hearing what we say,
and telling us what we need to know. Kid are naturally geared to seek security,
love, and understanding. They will be curious, they will experiment, and they
will explore. Along the way they will make mistakes. Some of them will be
monumental. The challenge for us as the adults in their lives who love them, is
to influence them away from behaviour that could land them in
trouble, without dulling their curiosity, their openness to us, and their
wild, beautiful spirits.
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
