Dear
Parents,
I
have recently been aware in my own class, and others in the ELC, of
siblings struggling with the arrival of a new baby in their family. The arrival
of a new baby is often the most dramatic change in a young child’s life, and if
this transition isn’t handled with sensitivity and empathy, some children will
have difficulty regaining their footing. At stake are our child’s healthy
relationships with parents and siblings, as well as her sense of security and self-worth.
Here
are some key points to keep in mind during this challenging adjustment from an
article by Janet Lansbury.
1. Have
reasonable expectations
A
new baby causes a major shift in the family dynamics. No matter how much the
older child may have wished for a baby brother or sister, the reality of this
shift in the parents’ attention and affection is felt as a loss. Children often
feel grief, sadness and sometimes anger or guilt, but mostly they are fearful
of losing their parents’ love. Overwhelmed by this tumultuous blend of
emotions, which are nearly impossible for children to understand (much less
articulate), they act out their pain through irritating behaviors that are
sometimes aggressive. Mood swings can be extreme.
Parents
might be shocked to discover an unpleasant side to their child they hadn’t
known existed, especially if they expected her to be a loving, adoring and
helpful big sister during this adjustment. These behaviors are bound to push
parents’ buttons, yet since the child is experiencing an emotional crisis she
needs the assurance of her parents’ love and empathy more than ever.
2. Encourage
children to express feelings
There
are a couple of important ways parents can help children express their feelings
in a healthy manner:
a. When children act-out with the baby —
kissing or patting the baby too hard or jumping on the bed next to her — after
calmly but confidently stating the boundary (“I can’t let you…”), the parent
can ask matter-of-factly, “Are you feeling rough toward the baby right now? Are
you upset that the baby’s here? Big sisters often feel that way. But I’m going
to help you get down from the bed. I’d love for you to sit on my lap or jump on
the floor next to me.”
b. Casually bring up the subject of
negative feelings as often as possible: “Being a big sister is
very hard sometimes. It’s normal to get angry at the baby or at mum or dad,
feel sad, worry or just be upset and not know why. If you feel any of those
things I want to know. I will always understand, love you and
want to help you.”
It
may feel counterintuitive to suggest these feelings to your child (won’t
this encourage her to feel negatively toward the baby?). The
truth is that the more you can openly accept and acknowledge, even welcome your
child’s negative thoughts and emotions, the more space you will clear for your
children to form a genuinely loving bond with their siblings.
3. But
why mention negatives when my child seems fine?
Some
children do seem to adapt to life with the new baby
peacefully. Why would we project about problems that don’t exist? It is
my view that the children who seem more accepting and tolerant of this huge
life change need even more encouragement to express negative feelings than
those who overtly struggle. No matter how positive any change is there are also
elements of fear and loss. For all of us. If these feelings
aren’t addressed and expressed, they are internalized. You may have a
well-behaved child, but chances are good she’s suffering inside.
4. Avoid
guilt-inducing comments
When
parents are expecting baby number two, friends and relatives will often comment
to the firstborn child, “Oooh, bet you can’t wait to be a big
sister!” But by then it’s already begun to dawn on the older child that ‘big
sister’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. They’ve sensed that the focus of
everyone’s attention has shifted away from them. Their future feels uncertain
and it will only get worse. They need someone who understands their pain and can assure them
that their mixed feelings (especially the negative ones) are perfectly valid,
or they are likely to turn these feelings inward.
5. Don’t
judge
Again,
this is about adjusting our expectations and understanding that button-pushing
behaviors are the manifestation of our child’s pain and confusion. When we
label a behavior “not nice”, “mean” or “bad”, children take these judgments
personally. It’s not only the behavior that’s bad — they are
bad. When the people they trust and need most in the world tell them they are
“not nice”, they believe it, and this rejection is profound.
6. Lessen
tension by not sweating the small stuff
Second
children are born into a much different environment than their big brothers or
sisters. Having an older sibling is exciting. So as much as possible, let it
be. Let it be noisier and more chaotic, and let there be more interruptions to the baby’s
playtime. Let big sister take toys away from the baby when they’re “playing
together” as long as this is physically safe. Understand that this impulse is
powerful and symbolic of the rivalry the older child feels. Most babies don’t
mind the toys being removed from them unless their parents do. In fact, this is the way they “play” with another child.
The less you focus on these harmless behaviours, the less compelling it will be
for the older child to repeat them.
7. Understand
your child’s need for trust and autonomy
Ask
for her help whenever possible, especially regarding the baby’s care. When
children’s emotions are out of control, opportunities to feel autonomous have a
calming effect. But also don’t be disappointed if your child turns you down,
because saying “no” is also a way for her to
feel autonomous.
8. One-on-one
time
Periods
of time alone with your children are a necessity, but for both the baby and the
older child it’s about quality, not quantity. Set aside at least 20 minutes a
day in which you are wholly present and focused on your older child (which
might mean aiming toward giving the baby an earlier bedtime). Then, when you
need to focus on the baby and your child struggles, you can calmly acknowledge,
“I see how uncomfortable it is for you when I am feeding the baby. That is
really hard for you, I know. I’m so looking forward to our time together
tonight after the baby goes to bed. Think about what you’d like to do
together.”
9.
Foster the baby’s independent play
A
baby who can self-entertain is even more of a blessing the second time around,
because his or her independent play creates
opportunities for parents to be available to the older child without the baby
always between them. Provide a safe, enclosed play space (a crib or playpen is
fine for the first months), so that the baby doesn’t need constant supervision.
Your toddler will probably need this boundary, because the impulse to test the
parents by bothering the baby can be strong.
10. Respect
your children’s continued need for boundaries and calm, helpful parents who are
“on their side”.
Although
extreme exhaustion or guilt might lead us to ease up on boundaries during this
period of transition and emotional turmoil, our children need the love and security of our limits now
more than ever. They’ll need us to give them matter-of-fact reminders like, “I
don’t want you to touch the baby when you are in a jumpy mood”; choices like,
“You can stay next to me quietly while I put the baby to bed, or play in the
next room.” Sometimes they’ll need us to follow through by gently but firmly
physically containing them or removing them from situations. Most crucially,
they’ll need us to intervene way before we lose our temper or think they’re
“not nice” and with all the confidence, calmness, patience and empathy we can
muster.
Best
of luck!
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
