Kids
and teens are growing up in a world that is becoming increasingly competitive
and comparative. It is easy to for them – for any of us – to believe that the
ones who have found success or happiness are better than, stronger than,
smarter than, or privy to something magical – certain strengths or qualities
that are reserved for the lucky few. The truth is that none of us are born with
the ‘success’ gene or the ‘happiness gene’. There are many things that lead to
success and happiness, but one of the most powerful of these is courage.
Behind so many brilliant successes are failures,
rejections, and unexpected turns. Often many. Without exception, there is also
courage. Mountains of courage. Courage to keep going, to find a different
way, and of course the courage to try in the first place.
Teaching Kids to Be Brave: Explaining What Courage Is.
For kids and
teens, one of the most important things for them to know is that courage
doesn’t always feel like courage. From the outside, courage often looks
impressive and powerful and self-assured. Sometimes it might look reckless or
thrilling. From the inside though, it can feel frightening and unpredictable.
It can feel like anxiety, or fear, or rolling self-doubt. Courage can be a
trickster like that – it often looks different from the outside to the way you
would expect it to feel on the inside. This is because courage and fear
always exist together. It can’t be any other way. If there is no fear, there is
no need for courage.
Courage isn’t
about something magical that happens inside us to make us ‘not scared’. It’s
about something magical that happens inside us to make us push through fear,
self-doubt, anxiety, and do the things that feel hard or risky or frightening.
Sometimes, courage only has to happen for seconds at a time – just long enough
to be brave enough.
There’s something
else that kids need to know about courage – you don’t always see the effects of
it straight away. Courage might mean being kind to the new kid in class, trying
something new, speaking up for something they believe in. Often, these things
don’t come with fireworks or applause. In fact, they rarely do. The differences
they make can take time to reveal, but when actions are driven by courage, the
differences those actions make will always be there, gently taking shape and
changing their very important corners of the world in some way.
How to Build Courage in Kids.
We all want to
feel safe. It’s so smooth and unsplintered and unlikely to scrape you or
embarrass you or leave you with bruises. Sometimes, ‘safe and certain’ might be
the perfect place for our kids to be, but so much growth and the things that
will enrich them, will happen when they let go of the handrail, even if just
for seconds at a time. Here are some ways to nurture their brave:
1.
Speak of their brave as
though they’re already there.
Kids and teens step up to expectations or down to them. Speak to
the courage that is coming to life inside them, as though they are already
there. ‘I know how brave you are.’ ‘I love that you make hard decisions
sometimes, even when it would be easier to do the other thing.’ ‘You might not
feel brave, but I know what it means to you to be doing this. Trust me
– you are one of the bravest people I know.’
2.
Give permission for
imperfection.
Failure and rejection are often a sign that you’ve done something
brave. Every experience gives new information and new wisdom that wouldn’t have
been there before. It’s why only the brave ones get there in the end – they
have the knowledge, wisdom and experience that can often only be found when you
land badly – sometimes more than once. Give them space for imperfection – it’s
a growth staple.
3.
You won’t always feel
ready. That’s why it’s brave.
Let them know that it’s okay to hang on while they’re getting
comfortable – while they’re working on a plan, fanning the brave spark inside
them (and it’s always inside them), but then there will be a time to let go.
When this time comes, it won’t always feel like readiness or certainty. That’s
what makes it brave. And a little bit magical.
4.
Try something new.
Encourage them to do activities that push them to the edges of
their physical or emotional selves – drama, sport, music. Anything that will
help to nurture the truth to life that they are strong, powerful, that they can
cope, and that they are not as fragile as they might feel sometimes will help
to nurture their brave hearts.
5.
Be the example.
Everything you do is gold in their eyes. Talk to them about the
times you feel nervous, or the times you’ve said ‘no’ or ‘yes’, when
everyone else was moving in the opposite direction. Talk to them about the
times you’ve pushed through fear, exhaustion, sadness, anger, to do the thing
that was right for you. Talk about your risky ideas, the times you thought
differently, did differently, and the times you felt small, but did something
big. Let them feel that the brave in you, is in them too.
6.
Give them space for
courage of thought.
Courage isn’t only about pushing against their own edges.
Sometimes it’s about pushing against the friends who might steer them off
track, the limiting expectations of others, the media, the majority, the world.
Too many times, creative, change-making, beautifully open minds have been shut
down in the name of compliance. There is nothing wrong with questioning – it
opens hearts, minds and mouths – what’s important is that the questioning
is done respectfully. One of the reasons the world is capable of great things,
is because young minds who are brave enough to challenge the way things are and
to want something better, grow into adults minds who make it happen. Ask for
their opinions and let them know they can disagree with yours. Some of the
world’s very ideas have often started with small ideas that made no sense at
all at the time.
7.
And when the motive is
brave but the behaviour is, let’s say, ‘unadorable’.
Sometimes brave behaviour gets shadowed by behaviour that is a
little scuffed. When this happens, support the brave voice or intent, but
redirect the behaviour. ‘I love that you speak up for what you feel is right.
It takes guts to do that. We won’t get anywhere though if you keep shouting.’
8.
Give space for their
intuition to flourish – and teach them how to use it.
Intuition is not magic and it’s not hocus pocus. It’s the lifetime
of memories, experiences, and learnings that sit somewhere in all of us, just
outside of our awareness. Gut feelings and heart whispers all come from tapping
into this pool of hidden wisdom. Scientists
in Switzerland have found the physical basis of ‘gut feelings’. The innate
fear response, or the feeling that something isn’t right, is heavily influenced
by messages sent along the vagus nerve from the stomach to the brain. The vagus
nerve is the longest of twelve pairs of nerves that leave the brain. It sends
messages from the belly to the brain, touching the heart along the way. When
the vagus nerve is cut, the loss of signals from the belly changes the
production of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. (Neurotransmitters help
to transmit messages between brain cells. Everything we do depends on these
messages flowing properly.) The hard part – and the part that can take a lot of
courage – is acting on gut feelings or intuition and doing what feels right,
regardless of the noise that tells us to do otherwise. Encourage them to take
notice of when something feels right or wrong for them. Sometimes this means giving
them permission to let go of needing to justify or explain the reason they feel
the way they do. ‘When you are still and quiet, what does your heart tell you?’
‘Do you have a feeling about what you should do? Sometimes those feelings come
from the part of you that knows what’s best. Taking notice of them can be
really valuable.’
9.
And then there’s
self-talk. Sneaky, sidelining self-talk.
Self-talk is one of the biggest ways we stop ourselves from
venturing outside of our limits. Self-talk can be automatic and barely
noticeable, but so limiting. They are the ‘can’ts’, ‘shoulds’ ‘shouldn’ts‘, and
‘what-ifs’. They can be persuasive little ponies that put courage in a box for
a while. Let your kiddos know that however scared they might feel, or whatever
they might be telling themselves about how much they ‘can’t’, they will always
be braver than they think they are. Brave can be a thought, a feeling, or an
action. They can do brave even if you don’t think it or feel it. If they don’t
feel brave enough, or believe they are brave enough, they just have to act as
though they are. Their bodies and their brains won’t know the difference. Brave
is brave, however much fear and self-doubt is behind it.
10.
It’s never to late to
change … anything.
Let them know that it’s never too late to change direction, change
friends, or change their mind. It’s so easy for courage to turn cold when a
decision or choice feels final. All experiences bring new wisdom, and if that
new wisdom means the decision stops feeling right, that’s okay. There will
a plan B, a back door, a way out or a way back up. But first comes the brave
decision to start.
11.
The outcome doesn’t
matter as much as the process.
When they feel the need to play it safe, they are focusing on the
ending, or the need to avoid failure. Whenever you can, encourage them to shift
their focus to the process – the decisions they make, the actions they take,
and the courage that drives all of it. Many kids (and adults) are held back
from brave behaviour because of the fear of failure, but what if the goal is
courage. It’s always important to be considered when being brave –
sometimes brave decisions and silly ones can look the same – but if the
process has been thought about and the consequences considered, let the courage
to have a go be more important than any outcome. They will always get over a
disappointment, but any time they take the opportunity to be brave, they are
strengthening a quality that will strengthen and lift them from the inside
out.
12.
Encourage their sense of
adventure.
And let them see yours. It is in the adventure that we learn new
ways of being, thinking and doing. Whether it’s taking a different turn, trying
a different food, going something they’ve never been before, it’s all part of
discovering their own capacity to cope with unpredictability and their own
resourcefulness – and that is the fuel of the brave.
13.
Let them celebrate their
courage regularly.
Introduce a weekly family ritual – maybe around the dinner table –
where everyone shares something brave they did this week. This is an
opportunity to show them that courage comes in many different shapes and sizes,
and that even adults struggle with being brave sometimes. It’s a way to prime
them for taking risks and doing things that they might not otherwise do – even
if it’s just to be able to tell you about it.
14.
Brave is about doing
what’s right for them.
Sometimes courage is about doing the scary thing, and sometimes
it’s about doing the right thing. Let’s say a bunch of friends are going to
watch a scary movie. It’s easy for kids to think the brave thing is watching
the movie, but if it doesn’t feel right to be wathing it, the brave thing is
actually saying ‘no’. Saying no to something that doesn’t feel right is
one of the bravest things we humans can do. There are three clues that can help
them wade through the noise and find the right thing to do:
• Will it break
an important rule or is it against the law?
• Will it
hurt someone?
• Does it
feel right for you?
Deciding whether
something is right or wrong is the first step. The next part – which is the
tricky part – is finding a safe out. It’s not always easy saying ‘no’, which is
why this is where courage happens. Give them some options to try. These might
involve leaving, suggesting something else to do instead, blame a parent (my
mum/dad said I couldn’t. There’s no way I’m getting myself into trouble today.
Nup’), make a joke (‘out of all the ways to get grounded, that’s not a way
that’s worth the trouble’).
And finally …
They might also
believe that courage comes in the way of grand, big gestures, superheroic
feats, or actions of dragon slayers. The truth is, our children are slaying
their own dragons, every day. They’re heroes, every one of them. The key is
helping them realise it so they can use it to push through their edges when
they feel small, scared, confused, or unseen. Because one of the most
important parts of being brave, is knowing that somewhere inside of you,
‘brave’ will be there when you need it, whether you feel it or not.
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
