Boundaries
are our way of protecting and looking after ourselves. They are the secret
gatekeepers to our souls, keeping the good in and the not-so-good out. But why
does your child crave them? Boundaries help your child thrive by teaching them
responsibility, security, consequences, respect, and emotional regulation.
What Children Can Learn From Boundaries.
1.
Responsibility
Boundaries
teach children that they are the only ones in control of their own behavior. To
do this, allow the consequences of their choices to follow them. Give your
child the advantage in life by giving them the space to ask for something they
want. Even though they may not get it. Whenever you can, allow them to talk
about their frustration and sadness without jumping to fix it for them. Feeling
frustrated and sad are not “bad” feelings. But making them feel like they are
bad, will stop your child from expressing themselves.
If your
child can take responsibility for her own feelings and needs, she will learn
how to meet those needs too. She will learn that her failure and her success
(because one leads to the other!) is because of her own initiative. Your
instinct will be to immediately scoop her up and save her, but ‘saving’ her
will only mean over-dependence on you and a lack of responsibility for
herself. Support her, and be there with her, but give her the opportunity
to discover her own resilience and resourcefulness.
2.
Security
Right from
when children are little, they will give you signs when they are anxious or
distressed. Being able to say no from a young age gives them the power over
their own voices. The best thing you can do for them is to
respect their choices. To nurture this, respond in a way that shows you
support your child, even though you might not agree with them. Allow your child
the space to say no while still giving her your love and acceptance. This will
allow them to learn that it is okay to be themselves and have their own
opinions. Being able to say no within their own families, will help
them do the same with peers or at work when they are older.
3.
Consequences
Children
need to have a sense of direction in their lives. When you give your child a
choice, you give them the power of that choice too. You give them a sense of
authority and control, even if it is a simple choice of what color bowl they
want for breakfast.
Help them
feel confident in the decisions they make now. They will draw on
this same confidence again when deciding bigger issues as they grow older. Be
patient. Give your child the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them
too.
4.
Respect
Have you
ever been around a child (or anyone for that matter) who can’t accept the word
“no”? The child knows that if she pushes the right buttons, one parent will be
likely to say yes. Learning that no means no, is a great lesson in having
empathy for others. Being able to see things from someone else’s perspective is
a gift. Children need to know that their behavior always has a consequence
and that their actions can be hurtful. Understanding that “no” means “no” when
it comes to that candy car, will help your child respect the “no” that comes
from running a budget, obeying the law, doing the ‘right’ thing.
5.
Regulating Emotions
It isn’t
easy for children to make their big feelings, feel not so big. Temper tantrums
are the direct result of letting big feelings take over completely. As children
get older, they learn how to talk about their needs through conversations with
you. Learning how to regulate their emotions, can also lead them to be patient
in getting what they want. They learn how to cool off on their own and how this
in itself, has a reward down the line for them. This teaches them how to have a
goal in life, and to enjoy the reward of that goal when they reach it.
To encourage
this, accept your child’s feelings, even when it’s inconvenient for you.
Encourage your child to feel as mad as she wants, but make sure she knows that
she cannot hit someone else when she feels that way. Praise her for a job well
done and help her choose her own reward as a result of managing her big
feelings on her own.
Teaching your child how to set boundaries and respect the
boundaries of others can be a challenge. Give your child the advantage in life
by teaching them how to identify their needs, and how best to meet them. You
are your child’s best role model. Your clear and consistent boundaries will
teach your child exactly how they can do the same for themselves.
Emma McKenzie
Teacher - Edgerley Room
Wellbeing Facilitator
